My College Commencement Address (If I Gave One)
Rule 7: Teach your children from an early age the simple truths that people are rapidly being forced to forget: there are just two genders, and God assigns yours at conception. A trip to the zoo will quickly dispel any lingering doubts on the number of genders in the animal kingdom.
Rule 8: Don’t cheat. And I don’t just mean don’t be unfaithful to spouses or significant others. I mean don’t take shortcuts that you know are damaging. Don’t take what’s not yours. Don’t screw people over. Do the right thing whenever you can and you’ll almost always be better off. And of course, don’t cheat on someone you love. It’s cruel and shortsighted, and will cause enormous pain and suffering, and not just to the person you wrong. This is karma you don’t want to reap.
Rule 9: Stay away from motorcycles, parachutes, small planes, and helicopters, even if you are an adrenaline junkie. This is my most longhoused opinion, sorry.
Rule 10: In the eighties and nineties, you could “experiment” with drugs. A lot of people did, and I don’t recommend it, but they mostly turned out okay. Today, you can’t. Cannabis is like 100 times more powerful than the weed the hippies smoked. It causes schizophrenia. And all the “powder” based drugs, the pills, cocaine, etc. are tainted with fentanyl, which will kill you stone dead. Sorry to be a Debbie Downer, but just say no.
